Zoe Dane

Cultivating Conscious Partnership

‘Conscious partnership’

What does it mean? 

To be in a conscious partnership means that both people are willing to do the inner-work. Conscious partnership is the grounds for really deep healing. It will mirror back to both people all of the unhealed, unconscious, fragmented parts of themselves that wish to be healed and integrated. 

This means, that when certain feelings are being triggered or there is tension; both people are willing to lean into the discomfort, dig deeper, talk through it, and peel back another layer of intimacy. Instead of arguments being sources of pain that drive two people further apart, there is a willingness to use it as a vehicle for expansion and deeper understanding of one another. 

My partner and I call this “popping the bubble.” 

When tension arises, we will acknowledge that there is a “bubble” that needs to be  popped. This way we can approach it from a place of awareness, rather than defensiveness. 

What does this look like? 

  • Transparent communication
  • Finding strength in our vulnerability
  • Taking responsibility for our own feelings
  • Sharing what is really going on in our hearts and heads
  • Having a willingness to step outside of the ego and approach the situation from a higher perspective.
  • Talking about what is being triggered and why; and how we can learn and grow from this experience.

Every time you face + overcome adversity together, your partnership becomes so much stronger and more resilient; and the love and intimacy between you two deepens.

Navigating triggers:

I cannot emphasize enough the importance of transparent communication and taking responsibility for what feelings come up for us as individuals. It is an unconscious response to blame our partner for our feelings. It’s a defense mechanism that serves to protect us on an unconscious level, but creates a lot of friction and resentment within the relationship.

Blaming your partner for your feelings looks like: “You make me feel  so ____ when you do ____.”   

Taking responsibility for your feelings looks like “I feel this_____ when _____ happens, because____.” 

Trying to find the solution, rather than harping on what the other person is doing wrong– is imperative. When you attack your partner based on the stories in your head, rather than openly sharing the truth and pain in your heart; you not only push them away, but you create painful distance in a time where you could use their love and support the most. 

The truth is: a lot of us react to the things that trigger us from the emotional standpoint of a child; because somewhere along the way, in our childhood, there were needs that were not met. So as adults, we are unconsciously looking for people to meet these needs– and when they don’t, we often respond by retreating back to the EQ (Emotional Intelligence) of the age that the need wasn’t met. We are not doing this on a conscious level at all! So when this happens, it is important to recognize it, but to not shame ourselves for it. This is also where we get to practice self-love and do some inner-child healing.

The goal is to be able to recognize when we are being triggered in this way, diffuse it, and communicate effectively what it is that we need in that moment.

Writing exercise to diffuse a trigger: 

  • What is the event triggering you? (Ex: my partner works too much) 

  • What is the emotion or feeling it is triggering? (Ex: not feeling important or like a priority.)

  • What part are you playing in it? (Ex: I am not clearly communicating that I would like to spend more quality time with my partner, so instead I am acting distant and passive-aggressive)

  • How can you give love to the part of yourself that is being triggered? (Ex: Acknowledge the part of myself that feels unimportant, hold it in love + bless it, and affirm to myself until I believe it again that I am important. I do matter. My feelings are valid.)

  • What can you do about it? (Ex: I can accept my feelings, take responsibility for them and then talk to my partner about what is coming up for me and ask that we prioritize quality time together.)

When we come from a more self-aware & mindful approach; not only are we able to effectively communicate, but we are also actively co-creating a safe container within our partnership. When both partners fully show up, choose each other, and choose to to do the “work,” individually and together- the partnership will be powerful beyond measure. It will continue to take you to new heights: spiritually, sexually, emotionally, physically, mentally, and internally.

Being able to communicate our needs effectively is paramount to getting them met in a healthy way.

A huge tip for getting your needs met within your relationship is to use positive reinforcement.

Positive reinforcement reinforces the good behavior that you want to see & experience more of, rather than giving excessive attention to the behavior and actions that you do not enjoy. You show your partner how to love you by reinforcing all of the behaviors that you do enjoy.

If your partner says or does something you like, tell them! 

For example, you can say:

“I love it when you do the dishes after I make dinner, it makes me feel like we are a team.”

“I love it when you encourage my work, it makes me feel so supported.”

“I love it when you call me beautiful, it makes me feel admired by you which makes me feel good.”

What we give the most attention to is what grows strongerIf we are paying attention to all of the things we love, and are actively acknowledging and praising them; they will grow in their magnitude. Everyone loves to be positively reinforced, and everyone loves getting what they want. It’s a win/win!

Same goes for the opposite. Although negative reinforcement and punishment typically leads to arguments, it’s almost always a means to get what we want. It’s an alluring way to not communicate effectively to potentially avoid confrontation or coming off as “too needy.”

Parenting yourself within your relationship, is how you take back your power. 

It is extremely important to remember that it is not your partner’s responsibility to meet your unmet needs. A big part of re-parenting yourself within a relationship is learning how to tend to your own needs, and this means learning how to love and take care of yourself without being fully dependent on one another. It’s very common for someone to develop a parental role in a relationship causing childhood drama to be reenacted & perpetuated. By consciously parenting yourself, you not only build a strong and empowering relationship with yourself, but you avoid the viscous cycle of co-dependency that can be so alluring in relationships. Knowing when it’s necessary to take space and meet our your own needs is very important. It allows both people to maintain autonomy and a healthy sense of Self. Your relationship with yourself sets the tone for every other relationship in your life. So, it goes without saying that one of the most important parts of being in a conscious partnership with another person, is being in one with yourself first. Knowing how to bring yourself back to center when you’ve lost your balance is the main foundation upon which your partnership will either falter of flourish.

It all starts with you.

Intimacy means: In-to-me-you-see.

If you can’t see into yourself, your partner won’t be able to see into you either.

For those of you still looking to attract your partner: Create a conscious relationship with yourself first and foremost. The relationship you have with yourself is the foundation for your ideal partnership with another. This way; when you attract your next partner, it will be a healthy reflection of the relationship you have cultivated with yourself, and not a recycle of your past unhealthy relationships. 

For those of you already in a conscious partnership, keep doing the good work! Our planet needs more partnerships like these. 

Also please remember that no relationship is perfect! They all have their challenges. How we face and rise above these challenges is the true mark of whether our partnership is a conscious one conducive to our growth and well-being, or not.

Happy expansion lovelies!

Xo, 

Zoe 

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Understanding your Subconscious Mind

“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will dictate your life and you will call it fate.” – Carl Jung 

A fun fact: Your subconscious mind makes up 88% of your mind. Leaving your conscious mind to only make up the other 12%.

Your conscious mind consists of your reasoning, will-power, decision-making, logic, intellect, and desires. (masculine energy)

Your subconscious mind consists of your emotions, your life script, your core beliefs, and your motivation. (feminine energy)

If your subconscious motivation is not congruent with your conscious desires, then you better believe that you will continue to face blocks + resistance in acquiring what you’re desiring. 

From the ages of 0-9, you are making sense out of the World around you; and based on your environment and upbringing you adopt certain core beliefs about yourself and your reality.

Whether positive or negative, your core beliefs are familiar; therefore they are safe to you. No matter how unhealthy they might be, they are what is known to you.

The vast majority of our core beliefs were formed when we were children. 

However, we are likely not aware of them because they reside deep within our subconscious mind and don’t make any sense logically. You cannot use logic or intellect to try to understand or analyze the subconscious mind. It is a world unto itself, and it speaks in the language of metaphors, symbols, and images.  

This is why hypnotherapy and dream therapy are so powerful. They are specifically targeted to understand and reprogram the subconscious mind. We cannot use logic and intellect (conscious mind) to analyze it’s functionality. The subconscious mind is deeply feminine. It’s dark, chaotic, mysterious…. and very protective. 

Like a mother with her child, your subconscious mind serves to protect you at all costs. Although it may not feel like it at times. The unknown is terrifying to her. She cannot predict the unknown, therefore, she cannot protect you in the unknown.  She will stop at nothing to keep you from entering into the unknown. This is what we commonly refer to this as “self-sabotage.” Self-sabotage is your subconscious mind deterring you from that which is unfamiliar, by holding you in your familiar patterns.

The unknown feels like total annihilation to mama subconscious; which is why, when you start to take those big steps toward your goals, you are met with so much fear and resistance. This can look like: negative & discouraging self-talk, lack of energy and follow-through, pessimism toward goals because they seem too unobtainable, giving-up, making excuses, victimization. These are some of the many ways it tries to keep you small, comfortable, and in familiar territory. 

Our core subconscious beliefs are running the show. Whether we realize it or not, they are distorting our perception of reality through their filter.

For example: if one of your core beliefs is “I am not good enough” then you will constantly find yourself in situations that will validate this belief to you. You will unconsciously attract people and circumstances to confirm and hold this belief in place. 

Until this belief is understood consciously, it cannot be properly healed and integrated.

We make our beliefs——> and then our beliefs make US. 

Beliefs are designed to perpetuate themselves to allow you to have a human experience. Without beliefs, we don’t exist. We have to believe we exist, to exist. 

According to Dr. Joe Dispenza- “Your brain is so powerful that it generates more electrical impulses in one day than all of the cellphones on the planet, combined.” That is some powerful electricity our brains are firing every single day. The thoughts that you have been thinking, and the beliefs you have been believing all of your life, have physically become little clusters of neural networks in your brain.

Nerve cells literally store and communicate information between each other. Just like in a relationship between people; the more they communicate, the more bonded they become. The more these nerves are charged electrically through certain thought patterns, the stronger and bigger these neural pathways become.

“Where our attention goes, energy flows.” -Dr. Joe Dispenza

The good news is- anything learned, can be unlearned

We come into this World with only two fears:

  1. Fear of loud noises

  2. Fear of falling

Everything else, we have learned. This is why hypnotherapy is such a powerful way to reprogram the subconscious mind. Hypnosis is used to create new neural pathways in place of the old ones. It is a positive redirection that happens on a subconscious level.

The beauty and effectiveness of hypnotherapy is found in it’s gentle and subtle approach to penetrating into the World of mama subconscious. Through hypnosis, the hypnotherapist is able to bypass the conscious and critical mind, and access the subconscious by gently guiding the client into a calm state of mind using music and spoken word that induces an alpha/theta brain wave state. 

Hypnosis is just a fancy term for shifting your state of consciousness by bringing your brain into lower states.

You are still completely conscious and aware, you are just extremely relaxed. The more relaxed you are, the more suggestible you become to new suggestions. This is when your subconscious mind is the most receptive. Relaxation = receptivity. It’s the same process that happens right before you fall asleep or when you are deep in a guided meditation. The purpose of this is to introduce new ways of thinking and being to your subconscious mind, until eventually they become known & familiar to you. Once this happens, new neural pathways are formed that override the old ones that were no longer serving you. Your mind does not know the difference between real and imagined reality; which is why visualization, mediation and hypnosis (which combines the first two) is so effective and powerful.

It’s like magic. 😉 

Dispelling the myths around hypnotherapy:

Hypnotherapy is actually the combination of talk therapy + hypnosis. When people think of hypnosis, they sometimes get confused with “stage hypnosis” which is a completely different ballgame. Stage hypnosis is for entertainment, whereas hypnotherapy is for healing. The effectiveness of it comes from weaving everything you discuss cognitively into a script that is then fed to your subconscious mind during the hypnosis portion of the session. This whole process is the most effective through repetition. The more you do it, the stronger the bond.

Your subconscious mind is like clay; it has been formed a certain way but once you understand it, you can shape it to be in accordance with the life you desire!

A few amazing books I can recommend to further understand your subconscious mind:

  1. You are the Placebo by Joe Dispenza

  2. The Power of Your Subconscious Mind by by Joseph Murphy

  3. Break the Habit of Being Yourself by Joe Dispenza

Xo,

Zoe

 

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