Cultivating Conscious Partnership
What does it mean?
To be in a conscious partnership means that both people are willing to do the inner-work. Conscious partnership is the grounds for really deep healing. It will mirror back to both people all of the unhealed, unconscious, fragmented parts of themselves that wish to be healed and integrated.
This means, that when certain feelings are being triggered or there is tension; both people are willing to lean into the discomfort, dig deeper, talk through it, and peel back another layer of intimacy. Instead of arguments being sources of pain that drive two people further apart, there is a willingness to use it as a vehicle for expansion and deeper understanding of one another.
My partner and I call this “popping the bubble.”
When tension arises, we will acknowledge that there is a “bubble” that needs to be popped. This way we can approach it from a place of awareness, rather than defensiveness.
What does this look like?
- Transparent communication
- Finding strength in our vulnerability
- Taking responsibility for our own feelings
- Sharing what is really going on in our hearts and heads
- Having a willingness to step outside of the ego and approach the situation from a higher perspective.
- Talking about what is being triggered and why; and how we can learn and grow from this experience.
Every time you face + overcome adversity together, your partnership becomes so much stronger and more resilient; and the love and intimacy between you two deepens.
I cannot emphasize enough the importance of transparent communication and taking responsibility for what feelings come up for us as individuals. It is an unconscious response to blame our partner for our feelings. It’s a defense mechanism that serves to protect us on an unconscious level, but creates a lot of friction and resentment within the relationship.
Blaming your partner for your feelings looks like: “You make me feel so ____ when you do ____.”
Taking responsibility for your feelings looks like “I feel this_____ when _____ happens, because____.”
Trying to find the solution, rather than harping on what the other person is doing wrong– is imperative. When you attack your partner based on the stories in your head, rather than openly sharing the truth and pain in your heart; you not only push them away, but you create painful distance in a time where you could use their love and support the most.
The truth is: a lot of us react to the things that trigger us from the emotional standpoint of a child; because somewhere along the way, in our childhood, there were needs that were not met. So as adults, we are unconsciously looking for people to meet these needs– and when they don’t, we often respond by retreating back to the EQ (Emotional Intelligence) of the age that the need wasn’t met. We are not doing this on a conscious level at all! So when this happens, it is important to recognize it, but to not shame ourselves for it. This is also where we get to practice self-love and do some inner-child healing.
The goal is to be able to recognize when we are being triggered in this way, diffuse it, and communicate effectively what it is that we need in that moment.
Writing exercise to diffuse a trigger:
- What is the event triggering you? (Ex: my partner works too much)
- What is the emotion or feeling it is triggering? (Ex: not feeling important or like a priority.)
- What part are you playing in it? (Ex: I am not clearly communicating that I would like to spend more quality time with my partner, so instead I am acting distant and passive-aggressive)
- How can you give love to the part of yourself that is being triggered? (Ex: Acknowledge the part of myself that feels unimportant, hold it in love + bless it, and affirm to myself until I believe it again that I am important. I do matter. My feelings are valid.)
- What can you do about it? (Ex: I can accept my feelings, take responsibility for them and then talk to my partner about what is coming up for me and ask that we prioritize quality time together.)
When we come from a more self-aware & mindful approach; not only are we able to effectively communicate, but we are also actively co-creating a safe container within our partnership. When both partners fully show up, choose each other, and choose to to do the “work,” individually and together- the partnership will be powerful beyond measure. It will continue to take you to new heights: spiritually, sexually, emotionally, physically, mentally, and internally.
Being able to communicate our needs effectively is paramount to getting them met in a healthy way.
A huge tip for getting your needs met within your relationship is to use positive reinforcement.
Positive reinforcement reinforces the good behavior that you want to see & experience more of, rather than giving excessive attention to the behavior and actions that you do not enjoy. You show your partner how to love you by reinforcing all of the behaviors that you do enjoy.
If your partner says or does something you like, tell them!
For example, you can say:
“I love it when you do the dishes after I make dinner, it makes me feel like we are a team.”
“I love it when you encourage my work, it makes me feel so supported.”
“I love it when you call me beautiful, it makes me feel admired by you which makes me feel good.”
What we give the most attention to is what grows stronger. If we are paying attention to all of the things we love, and are actively acknowledging and praising them; they will grow in their magnitude. Everyone loves to be positively reinforced, and everyone loves getting what they want. It’s a win/win!
Same goes for the opposite. Although negative reinforcement and punishment typically leads to arguments, it’s almost always a means to get what we want. It’s an alluring way to not communicate effectively to potentially avoid confrontation or coming off as “too needy.”
Parenting yourself within your relationship, is how you take back your power.
It is extremely important to remember that it is not your partner’s responsibility to meet your unmet needs. A big part of re-parenting yourself within a relationship is learning how to tend to your own needs, and this means learning how to love and take care of yourself without being fully dependent on one another. It’s very common for someone to develop a parental role in a relationship causing childhood drama to be reenacted & perpetuated. By consciously parenting yourself, you not only build a strong and empowering relationship with yourself, but you avoid the viscous cycle of co-dependency that can be so alluring in relationships. Knowing when it’s necessary to take space and meet our your own needs is very important. It allows both people to maintain autonomy and a healthy sense of Self. Your relationship with yourself sets the tone for every other relationship in your life. So, it goes without saying that one of the most important parts of being in a conscious partnership with another person, is being in one with yourself first. Knowing how to bring yourself back to center when you’ve lost your balance is the main foundation upon which your partnership will either falter of flourish.
It all starts with you.
Intimacy means: In-to-me-you-see.
If you can’t see into yourself, your partner won’t be able to see into you either.
For those of you still looking to attract your partner: Create a conscious relationship with yourself first and foremost. The relationship you have with yourself is the foundation for your ideal partnership with another. This way; when you attract your next partner, it will be a healthy reflection of the relationship you have cultivated with yourself, and not a recycle of your past unhealthy relationships.
For those of you already in a conscious partnership, keep doing the good work! Our planet needs more partnerships like these.
Also please remember that no relationship is perfect! They all have their challenges. How we face and rise above these challenges is the true mark of whether our partnership is a conscious one conducive to our growth and well-being, or not.
Happy expansion lovelies!